Staying Out of Drama

Here’s what we explored:

  • noticing how personal drama is also rearing up at this time of big drama on the US and European stage
  • what’s the alternative to joining the fray?
  • we know living in drama is exhausting
  • brain science says our brains are melodramatic and have a negativity bias
  • we’re hardwired to look for the negative, knowing that can help us not judge ourselves
  • when we’re in a personal drama we can feed on other bigger dramas
  • Carla gave an example of lying on the couch depressed and crying at victims of violence in Kosovo
  • it looks like a big gesture would sort out that uncomfortable feeling
  • it looks like things outside of us are giving us our feelings
  • in fact, we are generating our feelings from within
  • Jamie Smart’s story of the teddy bear.
  • the child loves the teddy bear so much and feels all these beautiful feelings apparently from the teddy bear
  • if you take the teddy bear away, the child cries
  • yet if you look inside the teddy bear, there is no love and care, only stuffing.
  • we often mistakenly attribute feelings of well being to things outside ourselves when in fact they come from within
  • we don’t always realise that feelings come and go and have no objective meaning in them about ourselves or the world
  • we have a tendency to collapse into the drama of our feelings
  • we are experiencing many losses, of time with loved ones, income, health, prospects
  • if we believe all our security lies in those things then this time is very frightening
  • when we glimpse our security and wellbeing lies deeper than our feelings, we ride through the experiences of loss and triumph with more equilibrium
  • it’s counter-intuitive because one of the hallmarks of stress is urgency, but getting curious about where your wellbeing actually rests, is helpful
  • even a fleeting inquiry can take you out of the drama
  • Carla talks of the tyranny of the urgent when we freak out about problems
  • story of a client going into panic mode about a business issue
  • Carla laughs at the panic and reminds the client all is okay and in response, the client started laughing
  • the stressful, urgent feeling is a wake-up call that we’ve gone off track, from our sense of equilibrium
  • sit on the bank of myself and let the pond of myself come back to stillness
  • don’t take our word for it, if you’re a bit curious about it, notice for yourself, when you get nudges that are trying to help you get back into equilibrium
  • in a state of insecurity our judgment can be a bit off
  • no better time to turn within because the old structures are changing fast
  • Carla talks about her break down, breakthrough where everything had to collapse for things to transform
  • her programmes are called Metamorphose because she is there to help clients transform if that is what they want to do.
  • she’s not there to make them better caterpillars!
  • the system we’re living in is not working, maybe it needs to fall apart
  • the ego tries to make order out of chaos
  • as our sense of something deeper than our moods grows, we get less fascinated by our ego
  • helpers and healers and artists are stepping into the centre now to help redress the balance of a society over-identified with the mechanistic
  • Carla tells the story of falling into hopelessness yet the next day she came out of it and felt fine
  • before, she could stay in those feelings for days, weeks, or years.
  • if we can refrain from getting so involved in it and just carry on, those feelings dissolve on their own
  • looking with curiosity in the direction of the source of our experience is far more enjoyable than collapsing into our feelings
  • the more you can look away from the drama and wonder about being alive it brings you into a more open space
  • from there, your thoughts shift more easily
  • Carla talks about the all-consuming depression and waking up in the hospital and the depression lifted never to return with the same intensity
  • however, she did experience anxiety afterward
  • Carla remembers wandering in the woods and her nervous system began to relax. She did it for years
  • when we connect to the mystery, to that life force, to nature, to ourselves it puts us in touch with the fact that Life is living us.
  • rather than sitting in nature being a prescription, it occurred to both of us to go into nature and appreciating those nudges
  • we are always connected except that our thinking tells us we are not
  • allow the things on our mind to just flow through
  • we get so wrapped up in our stories about everything it obscures that connection
  • when we feel connected it doesn’t occur to us to get so caught in our thoughts
  • the deeper essence is not what feels overwhelmed; the ego gets depressed
  • our true essence is not fragile, it can’t be riled up
  • we can get very wedded to our opinions and yet in reality our thoughts can and do change all the time
  • our judgments about ourselves are not coming from our essence – they are not reliable
  • what, in us, is experiencing life?
  • no better time for this exploration
  • what really supports us?
  • Viktor Frankl found the good the true and the beautiful in the midst of a concentration camp
  • The stillness is inviting but be gentle with yourself when you jump into drama
  • When you feel that connection you’ll know whether you need to speed up or slow down
  • a real-time internal GPS is available for us

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and share on your networks.

Quote/sources

– The End of Your World, by Adyashanti

– Jamie Smart, coach

– Man’s Search For Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are their topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Social Media and Stress

Here’s what we explored:-

  • social media can be compelling and really exciting for business owners
  • Carla and a client came up with an experiment to turn the phone off 6 pm-9 pm
  • the client reported finding more creative ideas coming in
  • Carla reports sleeping better
  • enjoying the last hour of the day with music and stretches also that she hasn’t missed anything overnight
  • obsessive checking of messages, notifications, and updates can become normal
  • the compelling and habitual nature of checking updates is a wonderful metaphor for how we get caught in our personal or negative thinking
  • the addictive nature of these platforms was explored in the 2020 film The Social Dilemma
  • social media platforms are designed to be addictive and give our brains little hits of dopamine
  • turning off all the notifications is a great way to reduce the pull
  • it can feel overwhelmingly hard to back off social media consumption
  • yet the minute we actually do it, Carla found it easy once she made the commitment
  • and it’s been an incredible relief
  • in the same way thinking can look compelling until we stop giving it attention
  • it can feel like we can’t detach from it but that is an illusion, also made of thought
  • the Power of Thought is a gift – it’s what we do with it that creates our experience
  • social media is similar – the platforms are an incredible tool for social justice, community building, and change
  • AND it can also be a tool for division, oppression, and hate
  • it’s how we use the tool
  • noticing when we are letting social media become the boss of us, running our life
  • compulsive mindless fulfilling of the craving is inherently unsatisfying
  • brains negativity bias means we’re hardwired to grab on to the negative
  • in the US it can feel, checking the news is a matter of survival
  • yet in the present moment, the two of us, right now, are not in imminent danger
  • social media is an echo chamber: it reflects your state of mind back to you
  • if you go on Facebook in an irritated state of mind, you’ll find most of your newsfeed irritating!
  • the algorithms actually work this way too. You get more of the posts you give attention to.
  • linger on beautiful wildlife images, you’ll get more of those
  • linger on posts about economic problems, you’ll get more of those
  • that’s how the mind works and the social media algorithms
  • we lose track of ourselves, get disconnected when we’re caught in this urgent, compelling scrolling
  • we lose access to fresh thought
  • we can still stay in touch with news (if we want to), without the need to consume it 24/7
  • is social media a gift, giving us a mirror to how our minds work?
  • putting the phone down is like leaving our thoughts alone
  • the difference between feeling constricted, closed down versus open-hearted, free, feelings can move through
  • putting original content into the echo chamber of social media feels like gifting something beautiful
  • fresh, authentic, beautiful content that isn’t trying to persuade or sell something is one of the things social media can facilitate
  • just like the Power of Thought
  • the divisive, conflicts that show up on social media, so too we can do that with our own thinking
  • do you have social media or does social media have you?
  • noticing the tiny, everyday moments of connection available and paying more attention to how nourishing those moments are
  • when we’re connected with ourselves and others, life becomes relational, not transactional
  • we’re are all connected. Relationships and connections are what life is all about.
  • we are not widgets
  • things get out of balance and we can lose track of the importance of connection
  • it can get overlooked in the rush for productivity
  • the ripple effect of creating something for its own sake, art, poetry, conversation, an excursion to buy just one envelope
  • we get to be real with each other
  • doing this podcast together is a joy, a chance to connect, to slow down, tune in and listen for our own wisdom
  • riffing on what’s real, getting curious in a deeper way, about what’s beyond our moods
  • these things don’t show up on a balance sheet, but we know in our hearts that connecting with ourselves and others is important
  • maybe we just need to celebrate and honor those moments of connection more, with ourselves and others
  • connecting beyond politics, beyond our opinions
  • try experimenting, limiting your news and social media time, and see what you discover

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and share on your networks.

Quote/sources

Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About The World – And Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling; Ola Rosling; Anna Rosling Rönnlund

The Social Dilemma is a 2020 American docudrama film directed by Jeff Orlowski and written by Orlowski, Davis Coombe, and Vickie Curtis

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are their topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

 

Navigating the Unknown

Here’s what we explored:

  • has your day ever really gone to plan? Aren’t interruptions the norm?
  • woman plans God laughs
  • Juliet shares her own sense of melancholy being separated from her partner
  • when we don’t accept what is; we suffer
  • going through the feelings, being prepared to feel all the feels
  • if you fight what is, inner or outer, the resistance builds up and we suffer more
  • with so much uncertainty, it’s as if we are all sitting on the edge of our seats
  • we’ve been turned upside down and for many of us there’s no new normal yet
  • the illusion has been shattered. We were comfortable in that illusion
  • when the wave of overwhelm is heading my way we have a few options
  • stand against it and get flattened; dive under it, or ride the wave
  • we don’t have to try to fight it you can go into the soft body of our human-ness
  • we can innocently let our stressful thinking build, like in a psychological thriller
  • we do this especially when we are uncomfortable with how we feel
  • when the mind clears, there’s an opportunity for fresh thinking
  • you only have to deal with what’s right in front of you, right now
  • when we drop our stories, we’re able to move more easily through life
  • we get present all the time, but we just don’t notice
  • here, now the two of us speaking, everything’s fine, we’re in a state of curiosity
  • social media gives us the stories that match our own
  • when you feel irritated, if you go on Facebook, you’ll feel more irritated
  • a symptom of stress is a sense of urgency and not thinking clearly
  • we either go scatter gun and try to solve problems or withdraw and feel overwhelmed
  • Juliet says how she couldn’t see how exhausting that was
  • she thought she was exhausted because of all the things she had to do
  • when you understand your feelings are real but what they are telling you is not, you can take them less seriously
  • we’re not saying, we’re okay because we don’t have so-called challenges in our life
  • we’re okay because there is something deeper and fresh thinking is always available
  • when our system floods with stress chemicals we have less clarity but those chemicals are meant to be released when we are ACTUALLY in danger
  • what happens is those chemicals get released when we IMAGINE danger
  • the birds don’t have a commentary running about their circumstances
  • we can learn from the birds
  • Carla talks of a story in Mara Gleason’s book, One Thought Changes Everything, wherein a holdup, all Mara’s fear dropped away and she felt a feeling of expansive love rush in
  • we see the possibility of our stories dropping away at any moment
  • you can’t think your way to a state of no thought
  • we drop out of our self-conscious thinking all the time, we just don’t notice
  • when we are being and doing, we aren’t thinking about ourselves
  • it is changes in our thoughts that change our experience not changes in our external world
  • the more we can take things off our mind, the easier it is to deal with the unknown
  • when we have lots on our mind, social media can just amplify that busy mind state
  • as we learn to ride the waves, we get really good at being flexible and find more ease
  • when you don’t accept what is, you suffer
  • it doesn’t mean being a doormat or acquiescing to being badly treated
  • if you don’t like what’s going on, change it or accept it as Eckhart Tolle says
  • when our minds run away with thoughts of fear and insecurity, we get exhausted
  • if we don’t know what’s going on we innocently add to the pressure with our thinking
  • our actions follow our thinking.
  • Carla gave an example of badly slicing her fingers when doing a task while exhausted
  • attending to letting our minds settle is the single most important thing we can do

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and share on your networks.

Quote/sources

One Thought Changes Everything, Mara Gleason

Dicken Bettinger – search YouTube for his videos

Eckhart Tolle – search YouTube for his videos

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are their topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Showing Up When Feeling Bad

Here’s what we explored:

  • Carla has suffered with chronic pain much of her life
  • there was a time when, if she felt unwell she would cancel appointments
  • even though she loves her face to face work with clients
  • when she’s really present, especially in conversations, those sensations matter less
  • what fades, even more, are the ‘woe is me’ stories
  • noticing this has made showing up much easier
  • you may feel lousy now but you may find when you engage with something, those sensations fade
  • less pushing through but more allowing the natural joy to emerge
  • why is it so difficult to show up as we are, to say, ‘I feel lousy’?
  • some people collapse into their emotions or physical discomfort
  • others push through regardless, even when they perhaps need to rest
  • yet when we come to our center, we get clearer about what is needed
  • this is a beautiful middle way which feels easy
  • being upfront about how you feel AND doing what you want to do
  • how does showing up affect the intensity of our symptoms?
  • Carla notices when she’s involved in her everyday activities she’s often completely unaware of her symptoms.
  • Carla has headaches every day
  • these days she doesn’t have much story about the headaches
  • Carla suffered from chronic myofascial pain some years ago and she tormented herself with stories about it.
  • did she cause it? Why her? How could she bear it?
  • once the stories dropped away, she suffered less
  • nowadays she has almost no symptoms
  • Carla’s dog Pedro has physical pain but doesn’t add on stories about it.
  • he’s recently had back surgery.
  • our ‘woe is me’ stories lower our spirits and keep us focused on the pain
  • for Carla that seemed to increase the intensity of the pain
  • in our feeling states too, we get caught up in stories that keep us stuck
  • Juliet talked of a trip to a remote beach when she was feeling tender
  • seeing that her feelings didn’t come from the beach (neither the joy nor melancholy)
  • recognizing that it’s okay to feel what we feel eg melancholy
  • when we surrender to our feelings, they move through in their own time
  • as we get more in touch with a deeper dimension, we take our feelings less seriously, less personally
  • as our understanding of how the mind works deepens, we find more ease with our ups and downs
  • more gentleness and kindness can come in
  • we drop the illusion of urgency as we get less gripped by our feelings and moods
  • see the antelope on the savannah, grazing, relaxed and alert, relaxed, and alert.
  • the lion appears and the antelope’s system floods with stress chemicals
  • the chase is on but the lion swerves and moments later the antelope returns to grazing, relaxed, and alert.
  • of course, the antelope might die but it’s not running stories about this
  • the great lesson here is: we too can move from urgent to relaxed and alert in a heartbeat.
  • we keep the sense of urgency running if we buy into the stories our mind is telling us
  • being present we begin to understand we have the resources to respond to danger.
  • will we outrun the lion? Maybe, maybe not.
  • do we need to live in constant fear? No.
  • we’ve become expert over-thinkers
  • the ego is not who we are at our essence, fundamentally
  • the ego is always trying to put forward a better version of ourselves
  • we work so hard to try and hide our messy human-ness, wearing a mask
  • dropping the mask is such a relief
  • how you feel is not who you are
  • how you feel doesn’t say anything about what kind of person you are
  • getting over-identified with how we feel keeps us from seeing fresh thought
  • when we get over judging how we feel, then we can find unexpected treasure
  • Juliet shares how in a group session where she was struggling to hold her train of thought, she wondered if it was an invitation to go quiet and she did so. The call went very deep.
  • in conversation, we are in a co-creative dance, you, me, and Life
  • when we show up and be authentic, we don’t need to worry about over or underperforming
  • Life/God/Spirit/Universal Mind has our back
  • when we feel on top form we tend to take the credit
  • when we feel a bit off there is a gift there
  • if we can have eyes for how Life takes care of us/things
  • when we swing between ‘poor me’ and ‘aren’t ‘I fantastic’ it can look like ego is in the driver’s seat
  • the paradox is that if we demand we always be centered, in equilibrium, then we set up tension, it’s another form of seeking
  • as we fall more and more into acceptance of being human, what might we be missing in the extremes?
  • when you bring extreme gentleness for its own sake, it brings something marvelous into play

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and share on your networks.

Quote/sources

‘If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;  
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;  
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;   

(Excerpt from ‘If’, poem by Rudyard Kipling)

Be sure to tune in next time!

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are their topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Consumption versus creativity

Consumption versus creativity

consumption, creativity: in breath, out breath.
every day, consuming food and drink: essential to life

but not all of it

every moment creating: things, relationships, ideas, experiences.
consuming ever more information, drama, energy, fuel, food, time,
the planet’s, ours, other people’s

always wanting more

over consumption driven by desires that cannot be met
for comfort, excitement, security, power, immortality even.
short term dopamine hits to soothe over-excited systems
if all we are is a lone separate human among 7 billion others

why wouldn’t we go on a binge?

chasing connection, inner fulfilment, chasing away our demons
with every click, glug, fight and scroll we get further away
draining the life blood from ourselves, our planet, our children
weary, frightened, ready to attack, we cower, duck or dive

the frenzy of desire takes us to the brink

to go forward is to fall into the abyss, chaos, destruction
we pause, catch a different note and hear a different song
the song of creation, re-formed in every out breath
our stories swirl like bridal gowns released from moth balls

but beyond is the crucible holding each sacred act of creation
fixing your hair, taking out the trash, typing a text
reading aloud to a child, waving at the neighbour
tiny acts unnoticed, forgotten, yet weaving this web of experience

acts of love, reciprocity, generosity and service
made daily, often unremarked, acts of humanity
everyday creation, pulling the threads that bind us
when we’re already swimming in the same sea

only we forget and flounder and flail about
and create the illusion of drowning when
all we’re doing is making a wave
in the sea of belonging, the sea of love

to notice, to see, just to see, is enough
to wake up and worship at the altar of creativity
go out, with glad hearts and celebrate
the daily acts of creation that connect us

© words and artwork, image of original watercolour pencil artwork, sun & moon abstract by Juliet Fay 2020

This piece is in a new style for me, neither prose nor poetry, inspired by the writing of Bernadine Evaristo, author of Booker Prize joint winner with Girl, Woman, Other. In the book she uses no capital letters, just line breaks. I was amazed how quickly I got over the initial feeling of disruption and adjusted to it as the new normal.

Juliet Fay is a poet and Three Principles facilitator and local admin of a Buy Nothing Project group. Subscribe to her list to hear news of gatherings (virtual for now), and receive original writing and artwork direct to your inbox. Find out about being mentored by Juliet or Wellbeing Sessions