Boundaries: The How and Why of Boundaries (without angst)

Here’s what we explored:

  • Carla shares how for her, a trauma response can be to isolate, to stay away from anything that might trigger a trauma response
  • Carla shares she has a tendency to just say no automatically
  • and she can stay quiet about something she wants
  • but also she notices she can be very clear about what she wants
  • in some areas, her boundaries are very clear and help her feel safe
  • but staying in her little isolated world can be confining
  • sometimes women have more difficulty setting boundaries than men
  • Juliet, on the other hand, can often automatically say yes (especially with loved ones) even when it’s not in her best interests
  • we notice when we have clarity, it comes from a deeper knowing, without all the analysis and pros and cons
  • an automatic yes or no can be about not wanting to disappoint ourselves or others
  • saying yes or no for the wrong reasons can have negative ramifications
  • getting used to saying, “let me get back to you” can create a little space around making a decision, so we can let things settle and give clarity a chance to emerge
  • what happens when we set a boundary, we are clear about and then someone doesn’t like the boundary and pushes against it?
  • Carla shares how she can get so caught up in the idea of people being mad at her
  • we can go to great lengths and get really bent out of shape, to try and avoid the discomfort of people being upset with us, not liking us
  • can we extend our imagination to the other side of feeling lousy and someone being upset with us?
  • in fact, people get upset. We get upset. Everyone gets upset now and then.
  • can we get comfortable with people being upset, mad, disappointed with us?
  • can we recognise that we like to catastrophize but in fact, these feelings roll in and roll out?
  • what if when we set strong boundaries, wonderful things could happen?
  • why not imagine a pleasant future?
  • interesting to look at what we are putting on it all, what’s at stake?
  • when we think someone else’s upset can truly and utterly and irrevocably disturb our peace of mind then it’s logical to go to great lengths to avoid upset
  • when we realise that life has ups and downs whatever we do, we begin to see there is a deeper dimension to us that is unaffected by the ups and downs
  • when we reflect on where peace of mind truly comes from we can hold  the issue of boundaries more lightly
  • and that clarity comes through to others
  • Carla talks about her friend, who’s no longer with us, who had impeccable boundaries “I can’t see you today; I’m reading today”.
  • Although Carla felt disappointed she also knew when her friend did say yes, she knew her friend would be totally available for her.
  • from that clear place, Carla’s friend set a great example for her
  • we can get caught in wanting to explain our position, and have others understand. We can go on and on and never get that understanding. We can get stuck there.
  • some great advice Carla was given: stop explaining, get clear on what you want, and move from that place
  • when we need others’ understanding to validate our experience or our instincts we can get really lost looking for something that doesn’t exist or matter because the only validation we need is from ourselves
  • our experience is valid simply because we are experiencing it
  • when we feel judged by others (and usually it is really being judged by ourself), we can get stuck and lose clarity
  • self-doubt adds layers and layers of thinking which causes so much more suffering
  • when we try to deal with self-doubt by battling, arguing, denying or suppressing, it doesn’t really work. It doesn’t go away
  • however as we tune into something deeper, those doubts get less compelling, easier to ignore because we realise that’s not all there is
  • we invite listeners to just notice what’s going on in your head, without judgment if you can. It puts a little distance between you and the experience
  • the culture (wider or our family culture) can seem to add layers of judgment so you come by your self-criticism innocently, you can have a lot of compassion for yourself
  • sometimes we get an epiphany and something like self-doubt can fall away in an instant; often it happens more incrementally. We notice those feelings are quieter, come up less often.
  • we can go on a wild goose chase looking into every possible cause of why we feel lousy: upbringing, genetics, work, relationships, money, diet, exercise. It can be a never-ending cycle of trying to improve
  • Juliet wonders if there isn’t a way in which we enjoy that merry-go-round
  • drama in our lives can make us feel alive, even though it’s horrible and painful
  • how honest are we willing to be with ourselves about our attachment to our habitual ways of thinking?
  • can we muse, wonder, get curious about that?
  • Juliet talks about hating the idea of a dull life when she was younger
  • nowadays Juliet experiences a very different kind of quiet joy which may have been there in moments but good times tended to be very adrenalin-fuelled
  • if our identity is tied up around the negative drama, it can feel very threatening to the ego to dismantle that
  • for Carla, she had a desperately dramatic internal life
  • she feels like she gave up the drama and decided she wasn’t going to have the highs and lows but chose instead a place of numbing out or shutting down
  • now for the third time, Carla feels like she is reinventing herself
  • for the years Carla went to neutral, she feels she needed that to calm down a very jacked up nervous system
  • Juliet suggested maybe it is the pendulum swing from hyper-activated to numbed out and now Carla may be discovering a place of more equilibrium somewhere in between
  • when there is so much on what we feel, we can get very tangled, confused, and busy with meaning, stories, judgment, and opinions
  • when we touch something deeper, constant, unaffected by our changing feelings, we start to experience life more unfiltered, which gives an unimaginable richness to everyday life
  • co-creating with this lifeforce coursing through us, that is the path
  • it’s not about figuring all this out
  • our getting clear around boundaries is such a gift to others, as well as ourselves
  • as the system settles down, it gets clearer and easier to set and hold to boundaries

Thank you for listening. Send us your comments, questions, and ideas for future topics. If you love the podcast, do leave a review and share the podcast link on social. It helps make it more visible to others. Thank you!

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems, and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

When Your Boat Sinks | Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

Here’s what we explored:

  • Carla tells the story of her little, much-loved boat, called Freida, which recently sank and has to be scrapped
  • she reflects on the emotions she felt as the experience unfolded
  • she noticed how others’ calmness and kindness really helped her nervous system relax little by little
  • she tells how she remembered the story of the Chinese Farmer who meets the twists and turns of life with, ‘maybe, maybe not’, even though his neighbours rush to exclaim on how wonderful, or how terrible, each event must be.
  • she recognises that the Freida was very old, not in the best condition, and appreciates how she’s learnt a great deal over this time
  • lots of lessons: about maybe, maybe not, non-attachment, impermanence, understanding privilege, kindness of others, navigating the nervous system, seeing resourcefulness and resilience
  • Frieda is gone, she can’t be revived
  • ‘we’ll see’, has been Juliet’s catchphrase of the pandemic
  • the capacity for drama is always available for us humans, we can make a drama out of anything, but maybe our appetite for drama varies
  • there is drama we imagine, we read about, drama happening elsewhere, then drama right in front of us that looks more substantial
  • as Carla experienced this episode, there was a real movement of emotions, maybe helped by the lack of judgment
  • how we remember things is constantly changing: memory is not fixed. That’s a wonderful thing and gets Juliet curious
  • Carla recounts how she sees her parents in a totally different light these days
  • she understands where her mother was coming from now and wishes she could have had more grace with her when she was young
  • our memories are not accurate: they are our perception of what happened
  • Carla gives an example of ‘remembering’ naming their dog, Banana when she was three years old
  • in her fifties, she discovered, in fact, her sister named the dog Banana, not her!
  • discovering that our perception of the world is not accurate, can unravel us a little. what else might not be true?
  • the story of our lives is made up of highlights and lowlights and these are highly selective!
  • there’s no objective truth of life, nothing you could map, as with the course of a ship
  • if that’s true of our own lives, how on earth do we think we could really know any other  person’s life?
  • how do those stories capture the heart and essence of another person, or ourselves?
  • our memories are impermanent, as is everything in life
  • Carla gives an example of one of her clients who worries about his young children barging into work calls
  • the pressure to present a perfect image causes suffering (looks like it’s fed from social media)
  • to model being human, being vulnerable and real, is a very powerful form of leadership
  • what if an interruption is, in fact, a gift?
  • at a deep level, we know we can’t control everything, can we just drop the controlling?
  • Carla sees people do believe they can control their lives, thinking, if they have eg enough money, the right relationship, the right address then they will feel secure and successful
  • the recent severe storms created devastation in affluent neighbourhoods of the US. A stark reminder that we have far less control than we think we do
  • the more we can drop the illusion of control, the more ease we can find
  • Carla noticed she was able to go with the unfolding of the boat saga (mostly), even finding herself laughing at times
  • showing up more authentically and vulnerably is a gift to those around us
  • it is toxic (and exhausting) to always be pretending. It is damaging and a burden. Can we drop it?
  • we know we’re not going to live forever, you might want your home to be your forever home but we know we cannot guarantee that, we know our work or businesses thriving is not something we can guarantee
  • in the final analysis we will lose everything: either through death or something else
  • even though we know that, we live as if this wasn’t the case
  • what do we get out of living that way?
  • it takes up a lot of mental energy, is it partly just habit?
  • if you correlate working hard and stress as a sign you are doing the ‘right’ thing, then trying to control could feel ‘good’ or at least comfortable
  • what would be left, if we weren’t trying to control everything?
  • the primitive part of the brain wants to keep us safe even though safety is an illusion
  • Carla talks about the birds who live in the present moment, without thought about the past or future
  • they don’t make stories about themselves, life, or time
  • what gets in the way of living more in the present moment?
  • we don’t see or trust our own resilience
  • we don’t trust the natural order (God, higher intelligence, Life Force)
  • primitive fear of being kicked out of the tribe
  • we submit to perceived expectations that look as if they are important for our security
  • being at the mercy of those expectations can create a great deal of pressure
  • we can spend a great deal of mental energy, wondering whether we’re doing the right thing or having the right inner experience especially in comparison with our peers, people we admire or our competitors
  • do we have to have our experiences validated by others all the time?
  • what if we plow our own furrow?
  • can you notice the times in your lives when you’ve acted on a nudge or instinct, a quiet knowing without needing others’ approval?
  • what takes us away from listening to, appreciating, and honouring those quiet knowings?
  • we get distracted by our own busy thinking or the business out in the world
  • can you notice how one state feels quiet and calm; the other urgent and racy. Is urgent and racy a signal to wake up to the fact we’re caught up?
  • when we struggle to follow our own path because we fear shame and judgment (our own and others), we exist with a lot of mental burden which is exhausting
  • it can take courage to march to your own rhythm
  • the world needs people to show up and follow their own instincts
  • an invitation for our listeners to observe and get curious if you could drop the conflict, what would happen if you did?
  • would there be more ease and flow?
  • keep sitting on the bank of ourselves and let go, again and again
  • to be in the presence of people who are utterly themselves is an invitation to others to settle and find that in themselves.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems, and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Procrastination: What Can We See with Fresh Eyes?

Here’s what we explored:

  • what if procrastination isn’t a problem?
  • what if, instead, it’s a superpower!
  • what if in fact, you need to race the clock to get inspired and motivated like Carla?
  • what if we stopped judging and making ourselves wrong for procrastinating?
  • we invite you to experiment for yourselves
  • what if you lean into your procrastination and harness that energy
  • on the other hand for some racing against the clock adds so much more stress
  • so what’s up with that?
  • we unconsciously accept the idea that procrastination is a ‘bad thing’
  • it’s not what we do (or don’t do) it’s what we make of what we do that creates suffering or ease
  • when we argue with ourselves (and our experience) we just drain ourselves, using up tonnes of mental energy
  • ‘deadlinitus’, any other fellow sufferers?
  • sometimes changing the word can help e.g. incubation
  • sometimes we procrastinate because the project isn’t ready or we’re not ready
  • begin to notice how often new information comes in which changes the way you tackle a project or fundamentally changes the direction
  • if you hadn’t procrastinated you wouldn’t have caught that fresh input
  • in how many areas do we have invisible assumptions and beliefs which set us up for mental conflict?
  • when we get caught in turmoil it can be helpful to take a look further back, what is behind your ‘yes’
  • why did you say yes?
  • maybe deep down we don’t want to do it, we can’t do it or we don’t have the resources to do it
  • we may know intuitively that we want to say no, but over-ride it and say yes
  • obligations and expectations can cause us to say yes when we ‘no’ is more aligned
  • some people say yes to everything and can get resentful but still follow through
  • some people say no to everything, protective of their energy and capacity and maybe miss out
  • in either case, slowing down and checking in with ourselves can help get more clarity about what we do and don’t want to do
  • wouldn’t it be lovely if we got in the habit of saying, ‘let me get back to you’, in business, in families, at school?
  • it would be a model for others, our partners, our kids, employees and our clients
  • asking for space to get clear in yourself can be so helpful for you as an individual
  • even more helpful if you are a leader
  • the willingness to not know is the sign of a great leader
  • what if we turn not knowing on its head, instead of being a negative thing, it is a superpower
  • what if ‘not knowing’ is a fertile space
  • when we step away from the battle in our head we get to sit on the bank on ourselves
  • what if we made pausing, reflecting, sitting on the bank of ourselves, the role of experts and leaders?
  • at times we procrastinate because we are frightened, afraid to dive in, then we can scare ourselves more and more and when that happens, Carla finds it better to take care of the task
  • when the unfinished task sits on your mind, it can get VERY heavy
  • Juliet used to pull all-nighters at university to finish essays and then when she was a copywriter, she realised she had to find a new way
  • she came up with a very structured way of tackling multiple copywriting projects
  • all-nighters were very adrenaline-fuelled
  • the structured process was very tightly controlled
  • nowadays Juliet has less on her mind around procrastination so it isn’t so excruciating
  • we spend a lot of energy trying to curate our lives to look presentable to others (as we imagine they want)
  • expectations always disappoint and can make you feel bad
  • expectations are also not very clear, you have to try and suss it out
  • agreements on the other hand are co-created and so much clearer
  • when we have expectations we often don’t account for the other person’s perspective, everyone is living in their separate reality
  • to make good agreements, you have to be clear and willing to involve the other person and be willing to change the agreement
  • expectations are not always voiced so you are asking someone else to be a mind reader
  • when you get into a conversation to make agreements, you may discover things you didn’t know or don’t like
  • murky expectations can also be part of why we procrastinate
  • when we’re lost in murky resentments everything is going to feel yuck
  • sometimes you start a project full of resentment but after half an hour you notice it’s gone. Our thoughts have shifted; we are absorbed in the endeavour
  • other times, we start a project and keep distracting ourselves, unwilling to stay with the task, the resentment hangs around like a bad smell
  • perfectionism can be a cause of procrastination
  • Carla has found that going for 80% perfect has been really helpful
  • separate realities is a great place to explore in more and more places and more and more depth
  • what if we met everyone’s experience with curiosity?
  • what if we met our procrastination with a bunch of curiosity, not judgment or shame?

Quotes and References

  • Kolbe Index
  • I love deadlines, I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by‘, Douglas Adams
  • Steve Chandler, Supercoach, audio Expectations versus agreements
  • ‘Expectations are resentments under construction’ Anne Lamott

Thank you for listening. We’d love to hear your procrastination stories, so drop us a line. If you like this podcast, please rate, review and share it. It all helps spread the word, we appreciate it.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems, and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Getting Vulnerable: Dazed and Confused

Here’s what we explored:

  • when we feel embarrassed we can get dazed and confused because we feel out of control
  • when we feel very exposed our primitive brain can get triggered telling us we’re going to get kicked out of our tribe
  • even if others think we are vulnerable and share lots of deep things, in fact we may still be guarded and keeping tight control
  • we can be vulnerable on our own terms
  • the feeling of being ambushed can be intense and disorientating
  • the idea that someone has found a chink in the armour
  • the desire to control can be invisible to us
  • seeing the flight reaction in action can be startling
  • seeing how defended we are can be a shock
  • being very defended, excessively independent can be a trauma response
  • in being so defended, we miss out on so much of the good, the true and the beautiful in life
  • are we curating our life for others (consciously or unconsciously)?
  • we may curate ourselves as wise, rich and loving when there is also a messy side which we try to hide
  • sometimes we dress up judgement as curiosity and if we get caught out it can throw us into a spin because the danger signal gets triggered
  • we are all just human; we make mistakes, fall into judgement
  • we can end up hiding parts of ourselves
  • we can end up trying to stage-manage our lives
  • avoiding difficult situations can feel like a practical response
  • we can end up feeling some parts of ourselves are not allowed
  • noticing how low feelings can just come in even when we’re having a good day
  • but they can also go away again
  • when we are dazed and confused, it’s a great time to sit on the bank of ourselves and be compassionate
  • sometimes when our primitive brain is triggered, we can bring on our executive function and over-ride it. Other times we can’t.
  • when we don’t have to bring a bunch of meaning and judgement to it
  • if we can leave it be, it tends to dissipate quicker
  • we can question ‘what just happened?’, ‘why am I feeling like this?’
  • for Juliet when she gets reactive with ‘difficult’ people, the mind can go to all the things the other person has or hasn’t done
  • when we see that the reactivity is often not about the situation in front of us (unless there is real and present danger)
  • the mind can get scrambled when it can’t come up with a story
  • but this can be an opening
  • getting curious about vulnerability.
  • our identities and security don’t come from our possessions, success or our looks
  • when that illusion gets popped it can be devastating
  • when we’ve lost everything (or when we haven’t) we can live in fear of losing things
  • yet losing things and bouncing back is resilience
  • there’s a lot of freedom when we see through the illusion
  • sometimes when we bump up against our illusions it can be just a lovely letting go
  • other times it can be disorientating, like when a big chunk of the iceberg falls off
  • there are times we may need to be defended, like Carla’s dog Pedro, after the surgery
  • it’s appropriate to be compassionate with ourselves when we get triggered
  • disconnection from one another, from the earth and ultimately there is disconnection from our own spirit/souls
  • we miss out on the richness and variety of life possible if many people are going around defended against the harshness of the world
  • time to learn each others’ songs

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems, and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

How Good Can it Get

Here’s what we explored:

  • we can let future worries steal current happiness
  • the other shoe IS going to drop and we can deal with that when it happens
  • Carla has noticed how her business is going really well even though she isn’t working really hard
  • we can feel uncomfortable with things going ‘too’ well
  • we may get used to a level of low-level anxiety, checking for potential danger
  • we may have a belief, success only comes from working really really hard
  • then when life is going well and it feels easy, one reaction is, ‘what’s wrong?’
  • Brene Brown talks about tamping down her excitement and joy at eg an invitation to speak in case it didn’t work out
  • she realised she was robbing herself of a ton of joy in the moment by not fully feeling
  • not wanting to look a fool if things don’t work out
  • how many other places are we denying ourselves appreciation and enjoyment of the good stuff?
  • when we decide something is a failure we can deny ourselves the joy we experienced along the way, eg when a relationship ends
  • it’s the journey not the destination
  • relationships end all the time, for all sorts of reasons
  • when we have a fixed idea of how things should go, we miss out on so much and create suffering
  • every relationship includes disappointment and joy, can we fully feel all of it?
  • we really have no idea how things ‘should be’ but we can get attached to our beliefs of how it should be
  • how could we possibly know ahead of time, all that is in store for us?
  • how good can it get when we take away some of our labels?
  • how good can it get when we calm our primitive brain that looks for danger?
  • it can feel unsafe to dwell on the good, the true, and the beautiful
  • but then we can often live in an experience of low or high-level threat
  • Carla helps clients to distinguish between where there is real danger and where there is not
  • we can look through the lens of our stories and construct a fearful future based on that which gives us the experience of constant threat
  • an example of someone who fears being burgled despite living in a relatively safe neighbourhood, in time, she was burgled – what can we see in that?
  • another example of a woman who had a lot of anxiety about visiting her mother who tended to criticise her. She expected to rake her over the coals because she’d put on weight
  • we can notice we are living this stressful story again and again in our imagination
  • we can notice how we might show up when we’ve been running this story over and over again: stressed, defended
  • Carla asked, can you drop the story and go with the most open heart possible?
  • what about people who go about defended because they’ve been attacked, are we saying they created their experience?
  • there’s a danger in making the victim the problem
  • recognising our thinking is generating the visceral response is massively helpful
  • you can notice this eg if you are afraid of flying, notice how you can experience all the anxiety of flying while sitting at your kitchen table, simply by thinking about it. That’s your imagination.
  • once you begin to see the power of the mind it opens up space
  • the next question is, ‘do I have to pay attention to these thoughts?’
  • for those who suffer trauma, the primitive brain response can be very powerful, the rational brain can seem to go offline – no time or space available.
  • if we can catch on to what’s going on when we are trauma triggered, it is helpful
  • it can give a little bit of space between the thinker and the response
  • we can recognise what might help at that moment eg stroking our pet, getting out in nature, talking to a friend
  • trying to use the rational mind to argue with a fearful, intense response is usually unhelpful
  • there is a deeper place, the bank of ourselves, looking towards that, helps find equilibrium
  • when we get eyes and ears for that space, we begin to appreciate it more and more
  • as we notice and appreciate the space more and more, the intensity and frequency of intense reactions can begin to lessen
  • as space opens up, a sense of choice about dropping our attention may become available
  • being a slow learner is a superpower because we learn things so well!
  • the mind is so powerful and our understanding of it can get more and more subtle
  • it is very difficult to see anything new in the middle of a trauma response because you are in a defended, fearful state.
  • on top of a strong fight, flight, freeze, faint mode we can add a whole bunch of scary thinking about the future: I’m broken, why am I like this, I’m never going to get over this, why can’t I get over this?
  • this type of thinking intensifies the stress response
  • if we explore the bank of ourselves when we are quieter we are more resourced and more likely to have insights into the nature of thought
  • the difference between pain and suffering
  • a trauma response can be the pain; the suffering comes with all the judgment we add on top of it when we analyze and make all kinds of meaning out of it – eg why haven’t I got over this?
  • as we recognise what’s happening, eg we are having a strong stress response, we get space to leave it alone, to heal (or dissolve)
  • like a wound, if we keep digging around in it, we will prevent the cut from naturally healing
  • we are made to handle life, keep looking in this direction

Quotes and References

  • Find Brene Brown on YouTube

Thank you for listening. We’d love to hear your questions or reflections so drop us a line. If you like this podcast, please rate, review and share it. It all helps spread the word, we appreciate it.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

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CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

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Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

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Riffing on Freedom

Here’s what we explored:

  • we have lots of ideas about where freedom lies
  • we may think lots of money would give us freedom
  • Carla notices financially highly successful people experience high motivation when they begin their enterprises. It was fun
  • Carla notices the same people can get weighed down worrying about maintaining their finances, scared of losing their money
  • we may think more time would give us more freedom
  • some people turn to self-employment thinking they would be free of the tyranny of the 9-5
  • yet sometimes micro-entrepreneurs found they were working longer hours and had less freedom
  • when we make changes to ‘get more freedom’, the reality doesn’t always match up to our vision
  • it’s interesting how we get caught in an illusion that different circumstances will give us freedom
  • there is another kind of freedom that everyone wants, freedom of mind
  • many of us have a negative inner narrative that is dramatic and critical
  • when we take our thinking less seriously, we find freedom: to see more possibilities, enjoy life more, and feel more alive
  • there are no set of circumstances: person, place, job, business, hobby that can give you peace
  • when we make the mistake of thinking that changing our circumstances will give us peace of mind we get caught in cycles of perpetually chasing ‘better’ circumstances
  • freedom doesn’t come from getting stuff or getting rid of our responsibilities, it is a deeper freedom, it comes from within
  • the idea of a heavenly afterlife led Carla to believe she had to gut it out here on earth and get her reward later
  • freedom of mind doesn’t mean we don’t try to change systems of oppression or get free of oppression
  • we can use spiritual seeking to bypass life, we can become detached and in denial
  • you get disconnected and startlingly unempathetic
  • it comes, like all experiences, from the power of Thought
  • freedom of mind looks like not holding on tight, trying to control our experience, it’s more about opening to the aliveness of experience
  • what gets in the way of opening to experience is the belief that we can’t face loss
  • loss of things, people, physical capacity, and ultimately death
  • freedom to accept the human parts of ourselves as well as the divine parts
  • spiritual bypassing can deny the messiness of our human experience
  • this urge to only share our wins, our magazine smiles, denies the screw-ups in our life
  • when people share their messy sides, it feels more authentic, more trustworthy
  • It’s not either divine or human, we’re both human and divine
  • when things are in opposition, the conflict or tension takes all the oxygen
  • then we look to escape either into base human desires or spiritual detachment
  • we miss so much when we get caught in the opposition of things
  • when we open to both, the divine enriches our humanness and vice versa
  • you can connect to the divine parts of you without all the dogma and judgment
  • when Juliet went offline, she discovered so much more time available
  • it’s similar to when we stop paying attention from all our controlling, judgemental, insecure, constricting thoughts: there’s so much more space
  • when Carla lived in Vermont with limited internet, she felt really open and enjoyed nature more than before
  • it’s similar to what happens when the noise in our minds settles down
  • we’ve lost connection to ourselves
  • the root of freedom is connection with our deepest self

Quotes and References

  • Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl
  • Grit and Grace by Ken Wilbur

Thank you for listening. We’d love to hear your questions or reflections so drop us a line. If you like this podcast, please rate, review and share it. It all helps spread the word, we appreciate it.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe 

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

Sign up for her latest insights, essays, poems, and inspirational programmes direct to your inbox – Subscribe

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review! 

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.