Podcast Archives - Page 2 of 7

The Importance of Recalibration

by Juliet Fay | Apr 27, 2021 | Podcast

Here’s what we explored:

how fun it is to just riff and dive in
making space to wonder what’s new and fresh rather than getting stuck in stale habits of mind
we can notice stale habits of mind that make us feel yuck but also we can be stuck in more ‘positive’ assumptions eg I’m going on holiday, yay!
can throwing out some structure, help with recalibration, or maybe bringing in more structure could help?
Juliet describes feeling really tired after a couple of weekends of travel and meeting up with people after lockdown restrictions were eased
she got curious about how exhausted she was and what was up with that?
she recognised she has got quieter inside over the last year and it would be easy to think she should speed up, get with the programme, but is that the only view?
as the mind quietens we can get much more sensitive to stimulation of the mind in a way we wouldn’t have noticed before
Carla wonders, is this similar for extroverts? Anecdotally, Juliet hears many, including extroverts, are finding ‘re-entry’ a little bumpy.
when we re-engage with old situations, it’s interesting to notice how old habits of thought can kick in, which have perhaps been mostly absent over the last year or so
Juliet explains how a busy mind is like an engine revving really hard while idling (so it’s not going anywhere).
Previously, Juliet’s idle speed was very high. She didn’t know it was high. It just felt normal.
when you step on the gas, and your revs are already high, it’s not actually that big a movement
when the engine is revving much less, even a moderate increase in revs can feel like a big deal
so it is with the mind: when the mind is generally quieter, even a little mental busyness can feel much more intense than it used to.
Carla chimes in, when you’re revving the engine in neutral, it’s not good for the engine.
to stop revving, you just have to take your foot off the gas: leave your busy thoughts alone (as best you can)
Carla notices these days, if she feels a little anxious, it feels awful. Whereas before she used to feel anxious most of the time but hardly noticed because it was just the way it was
taking a moment to sit on the bank of yourself, to pause, reflect, and allow our mind to come back into equilibrium
don’t be so quick to judge your reactions as you pick up the threads of your lives
sometimes people wake up dramatically to how busy their minds are, in the midst of a crisis
for many others, there is a gradual, incremental quietening down of the body-mind system
it’s helpful to look at this greater sensitivity to disturbance and clarify what might be going on.
you may not have noticed that you’ve been generally living in a quieter, nicer feeling (not all the time)
there can be intelligence in anxiety or tiredness eg, we are caught up in our stressful stories and I’m not aware, we need to take a rest
as the system settles down, these episodes can be little alarm clocks to wakes us up to being off centre
when it was all-consuming (as Carla and Juliet have experienced), there’s no awareness of anything but being in the drama
it’s not about ignoring feelings but acknowledging them and riding them out as best we can
as things quieten down, sometimes we might catch a glimpse of a particular habit of thought eg irritation or judgment has latched on to a situation
it’s cool when we see this at play because then we realise, this is only one experience out of an infinite number of experiences
Juliet doesn’t feel re-calibrating is being done by her but is happening under the surface
we have big and small moments of waking up to all sorts of things eg around race, consciousness, etc
our system has to catch up and settle into these new perspectives
we can get in the way of that re-calibration
true change doesn’t generally happen through tools and techniques
true change comes from insight, an epiphany, or a shift in our understanding
we can’t make insight happen but we can create the conditions for insight
Carla uses the metaphor of a butterfly for insight. If you flail your arms around, it is less likely the butterfly will land on you.
how can we make the conditions fertile for insight?
Carla sees getting caught in her own stories of success or failure are her biggest obstacles to peace of mind
for Carla, it comes down to helping her mind relax, take things off her mind eg catching herself in her stories, meditation, breathing techniques, being in nature to calm down her nervous system
we get ourselves totally embroiled in our stories which can be disturbing, terrifying, depressing
at one level Juliet sensed she was causing her own distress but didn’t know how to stop, so she used that idea to further judge herself
what’s true is when we are very distressed, thinking more and more about our distress doesn’t get us anywhere
we, as human beings, are built for insight
every fresh idea you’ve ever had has just popped in your head. Where did they come from?
what helps Juliet is being in conversation with people who are speaking and listening from a quieter, deeper, and more peaceful space
when you start to really see things for yourself, things begin to recalibrate
one of the most helpful things Juliet kept hearing was: look at what is, instead of what isn’t
notice how, in a low state, we focus on what’s wrong with ourselves, others, our relationships, our work, our dinner
looking towards what’s ‘right’ can be a helpful way to shift our focus
Carla recounts how rubbish she felt the day before, dealing with some physical flare-ups
for a few hours she was stuck in it, then she noticed her dog Pedro was feeling bad with his tail between his legs
in that moment, as her focus shifted to her dog, who she loves to bits, her self-pity shifted and her suffering lifted even though the physical symptoms persisted
we begin to see that the extra suffering we heap onto life’s events comes from the stories we make up and believe about the events
how much choice do we have about where we put our attention?
Juliet would have said there were times she could deliberately put her attention here or there, and other times she couldn’t help where her attention stays
Carla notices there are times when she can’t move her attention away from her stories and other times she just doesn’t want to move her attention
She wants to feel outraged or angry or mean! Such a great catch to see this!
Carla shares a story of working with a team in a company and helping them see how a shift in perspective around down months can release energy, enthusiasm, and fresh ideas. They were able to re-calibrate
when we find a more settled and secure place inside, when it gets stronger, you can look out at the world and see treasure and gifts in everything rather than when we look out from insecurity where we see everything and everyone as a potential threat
from that space of deeper equanimity, we get to see that how we feel doesn’t matter as much as we thought
how we feel is always in flux, always changing
from a state of more spaciousness, we find we have what we need to navigate through life with all its challenges
sometimes, a restart or recalibration, like restarting the computer, may be all we need

Thank you for listening. If you love the podcast, get in touch and tell us what lands for you. Go ahead and share the podcast link on social. Questions? Topics? We love questions and topic suggestions. Send them via the comments.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review!

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Boundaries: The How and Why of Boundaries (without angst)

by Juliet Fay | Apr 20, 2021 | Podcast

Here’s what we explored:

Carla shares how for her, a trauma response can be to isolate, to stay away from anything that might trigger a trauma response
Carla shares she has a tendency to just say no automatically
and she can stay quiet about something she wants
but also she notices she can be very clear about what she wants
in some areas, her boundaries are very clear and help her feel safe
but staying in her little isolated world can be confining
sometimes women have more difficulty setting boundaries than men
Juliet, on the other hand, can often automatically say yes (especially with loved ones) even when it’s not in her best interests
we notice when we have clarity, it comes from a deeper knowing, without all the analysis and pros and cons
an automatic yes or no can be about not wanting to disappoint ourselves or others
saying yes or no for the wrong reasons can have negative ramifications
getting used to saying, “let me get back to you” can create a little space around making a decision, so we can let things settle and give clarity a chance to emerge
what happens when we set a boundary, we are clear about and then someone doesn’t like the boundary and pushes against it?
Carla shares how she can get so caught up in the idea of people being mad at her
we can go to great lengths and get really bent out of shape, to try and avoid the discomfort of people being upset with us, not liking us
can we extend our imagination to the other side of feeling lousy and someone being upset with us?
in fact, people get upset. We get upset. Everyone gets upset now and then.
can we get comfortable with people being upset, mad, disappointed with us?
can we recognise that we like to catastrophize but in fact, these feelings roll in and roll out?
what if when we set strong boundaries, wonderful things could happen?
why not imagine a pleasant future?
interesting to look at what we are putting on it all, what’s at stake?
when we think someone else’s upset can truly and utterly and irrevocably disturb our peace of mind then it’s logical to go to great lengths to avoid upset
when we realise that life has ups and downs whatever we do, we begin to see there is a deeper dimension to us that is unaffected by the ups and downs
when we reflect on where peace of mind truly comes from we can hold the issue of boundaries more lightly
and that clarity comes through to others
Carla talks about her friend, who’s no longer with us, who had impeccable boundaries “I can’t see you today; I’m reading today”.
Although Carla felt disappointed she also knew when her friend did say yes, she knew her friend would be totally available for her.
from that clear place, Carla’s friend set a great example for her
we can get caught in wanting to explain our position, and have others understand. We can go on and on and never get that understanding. We can get stuck there.
some great advice Carla was given: stop explaining, get clear on what you want, and move from that place
when we need others’ understanding to validate our experience or our instincts we can get really lost looking for something that doesn’t exist or matter because the only validation we need is from ourselves
our experience is valid simply because we are experiencing it
when we feel judged by others (and usually it is really being judged by ourself), we can get stuck and lose clarity
self-doubt adds layers and layers of thinking which causes so much more suffering
when we try to deal with self-doubt by battling, arguing, denying or suppressing, it doesn’t really work. It doesn’t go away
however as we tune into something deeper, those doubts get less compelling, easier to ignore because we realise that’s not all there is
we invite listeners to just notice what’s going on in your head, without judgment if you can. It puts a little distance between you and the experience
the culture (wider or our family culture) can seem to add layers of judgment so you come by your self-criticism innocently, you can have a lot of compassion for yourself
sometimes we get an epiphany and something like self-doubt can fall away in an instant; often it happens more incrementally. We notice those feelings are quieter, come up less often.
we can go on a wild goose chase looking into every possible cause of why we feel lousy: upbringing, genetics, work, relationships, money, diet, exercise. It can be a never-ending cycle of trying to improve
Juliet wonders if there isn’t a way in which we enjoy that merry-go-round
drama in our lives can make us feel alive, even though it’s horrible and painful
how honest are we willing to be with ourselves about our attachment to our habitual ways of thinking?
can we muse, wonder, get curious about that?
Juliet talks about hating the idea of a dull life when she was younger
nowadays Juliet experiences a very different kind of quiet joy which may have been there in moments but good times tended to be very adrenalin-fuelled
if our identity is tied up around the negative drama, it can feel very threatening to the ego to dismantle that
for Carla, she had a desperately dramatic internal life
she feels like she gave up the drama and decided she wasn’t going to have the highs and lows but chose instead a place of numbing out or shutting down
now for the third time, Carla feels like she is reinventing herself
for the years Carla went to neutral, she feels she needed that to calm down a very jacked up nervous system
Juliet suggested maybe it is the pendulum swing from hyper-activated to numbed out and now Carla may be discovering a place of more equilibrium somewhere in between
when there is so much on what we feel, we can get very tangled, confused, and busy with meaning, stories, judgment, and opinions
when we touch something deeper, constant, unaffected by our changing feelings, we start to experience life more unfiltered, which gives an unimaginable richness to everyday life
co-creating with this lifeforce coursing through us, that is the path
it’s not about figuring all this out
our getting clear around boundaries is such a gift to others, as well as ourselves
as the system settles down, it gets clearer and easier to set and hold to boundaries

Thank you for listening. Send us your comments, questions, and ideas for future topics. If you love the podcast, do leave a review and share the podcast link on social. It helps make it more visible to others. Thank you!

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review!

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

When Your Boat Sinks | Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

by Juliet Fay | Apr 13, 2021 | Podcast

Here’s what we explored:

Carla tells the story of her little, much-loved boat, called Freida, which recently sank and has to be scrapped
she reflects on the emotions she felt as the experience unfolded
she noticed how others’ calmness and kindness really helped her nervous system relax little by little
she tells how she remembered the story of the Chinese Farmer who meets the twists and turns of life with, ‘maybe, maybe not’, even though his neighbours rush to exclaim on how wonderful, or how terrible, each event must be.
she recognises that the Freida was very old, not in the best condition, and appreciates how she’s learnt a great deal over this time
lots of lessons: about maybe, maybe not, non-attachment, impermanence, understanding privilege, kindness of others, navigating the nervous system, seeing resourcefulness and resilience
Frieda is gone, she can’t be revived
‘we’ll see’, has been Juliet’s catchphrase of the pandemic
the capacity for drama is always available for us humans, we can make a drama out of anything, but maybe our appetite for drama varies
there is drama we imagine, we read about, drama happening elsewhere, then drama right in front of us that looks more substantial
as Carla experienced this episode, there was a real movement of emotions, maybe helped by the lack of judgment
how we remember things is constantly changing: memory is not fixed. That’s a wonderful thing and gets Juliet curious
Carla recounts how she sees her parents in a totally different light these days
she understands where her mother was coming from now and wishes she could have had more grace with her when she was young
our memories are not accurate: they are our perception of what happened
Carla gives an example of ‘remembering’ naming their dog, Banana when she was three years old
in her fifties, she discovered, in fact, her sister named the dog Banana, not her!
discovering that our perception of the world is not accurate, can unravel us a little. what else might not be true?
the story of our lives is made up of highlights and lowlights and these are highly selective!
there’s no objective truth of life, nothing you could map, as with the course of a ship
if that’s true of our own lives, how on earth do we think we could really know any other person’s life?
how do those stories capture the heart and essence of another person, or ourselves?
our memories are impermanent, as is everything in life
Carla gives an example of one of her clients who worries about his young children barging into work calls
the pressure to present a perfect image causes suffering (looks like it’s fed from social media)
to model being human, being vulnerable and real, is a very powerful form of leadership
what if an interruption is, in fact, a gift?
at a deep level, we know we can’t control everything, can we just drop the controlling?
Carla sees people do believe they can control their lives, thinking, if they have eg enough money, the right relationship, the right address then they will feel secure and successful
the recent severe storms created devastation in affluent neighbourhoods of the US. A stark reminder that we have far less control than we think we do
the more we can drop the illusion of control, the more ease we can find
Carla noticed she was able to go with the unfolding of the boat saga (mostly), even finding herself laughing at times
showing up more authentically and vulnerably is a gift to those around us
it is toxic (and exhausting) to always be pretending. It is damaging and a burden. Can we drop it?
we know we’re not going to live forever, you might want your home to be your forever home but we know we cannot guarantee that, we know our work or businesses thriving is not something we can guarantee
in the final analysis we will lose everything: either through death or something else
even though we know that, we live as if this wasn’t the case
what do we get out of living that way?
it takes up a lot of mental energy, is it partly just habit?
if you correlate working hard and stress as a sign you are doing the ‘right’ thing, then trying to control could feel ‘good’ or at least comfortable
what would be left, if we weren’t trying to control everything?
the primitive part of the brain wants to keep us safe even though safety is an illusion
Carla talks about the birds who live in the present moment, without thought about the past or future
they don’t make stories about themselves, life, or time
what gets in the way of living more in the present moment?
we don’t see or trust our own resilience
we don’t trust the natural order (God, higher intelligence, Life Force)
primitive fear of being kicked out of the tribe
we submit to perceived expectations that look as if they are important for our security
being at the mercy of those expectations can create a great deal of pressure
we can spend a great deal of mental energy, wondering whether we’re doing the right thing or having the right inner experience especially in comparison with our peers, people we admire or our competitors
do we have to have our experiences validated by others all the time?
what if we plow our own furrow?
can you notice the times in your lives when you’ve acted on a nudge or instinct, a quiet knowing without needing others’ approval?
what takes us away from listening to, appreciating, and honouring those quiet knowings?
we get distracted by our own busy thinking or the business out in the world
can you notice how one state feels quiet and calm; the other urgent and racy. Is urgent and racy a signal to wake up to the fact we’re caught up?
when we struggle to follow our own path because we fear shame and judgment (our own and others), we exist with a lot of mental burden which is exhausting
it can take courage to march to your own rhythm
the world needs people to show up and follow their own instincts
an invitation for our listeners to observe and get curious if you could drop the conflict, what would happen if you did?
would there be more ease and flow?
keep sitting on the bank of ourselves and let go, again and again
to be in the presence of people who are utterly themselves is an invitation to others to settle and find that in themselves.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review!

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Procrastination: What Can We See with Fresh Eyes?

by Juliet Fay | Mar 30, 2021 | Podcast

Here’s what we explored:

what if procrastination isn’t a problem?
what if, instead, it’s a superpower!
what if in fact, you need to race the clock to get inspired and motivated like Carla?
what if we stopped judging and making ourselves wrong for procrastinating?
we invite you to experiment for yourselves
what if you lean into your procrastination and harness that energy
on the other hand for some racing against the clock adds so much more stress
so what’s up with that?
we unconsciously accept the idea that procrastination is a ‘bad thing’
it’s not what we do (or don’t do) it’s what we make of what we do that creates suffering or ease
when we argue with ourselves (and our experience) we just drain ourselves, using up tonnes of mental energy
‘deadlinitus’, any other fellow sufferers?
sometimes changing the word can help e.g. incubation
sometimes we procrastinate because the project isn’t ready or we’re not ready
begin to notice how often new information comes in which changes the way you tackle a project or fundamentally changes the direction
if you hadn’t procrastinated you wouldn’t have caught that fresh input
in how many areas do we have invisible assumptions and beliefs which set us up for mental conflict?
when we get caught in turmoil it can be helpful to take a look further back, what is behind your ‘yes’
why did you say yes?
maybe deep down we don’t want to do it, we can’t do it or we don’t have the resources to do it
we may know intuitively that we want to say no, but over-ride it and say yes
obligations and expectations can cause us to say yes when we ‘no’ is more aligned
some people say yes to everything and can get resentful but still follow through
some people say no to everything, protective of their energy and capacity and maybe miss out
in either case, slowing down and checking in with ourselves can help get more clarity about what we do and don’t want to do
wouldn’t it be lovely if we got in the habit of saying, ‘let me get back to you’, in business, in families, at school?
it would be a model for others, our partners, our kids, employees and our clients
asking for space to get clear in yourself can be so helpful for you as an individual
even more helpful if you are a leader
the willingness to not know is the sign of a great leader
what if we turn not knowing on its head, instead of being a negative thing, it is a superpower
what if ‘not knowing’ is a fertile space
when we step away from the battle in our head we get to sit on the bank on ourselves
what if we made pausing, reflecting, sitting on the bank of ourselves, the role of experts and leaders?
at times we procrastinate because we are frightened, afraid to dive in, then we can scare ourselves more and more and when that happens, Carla finds it better to take care of the task
when the unfinished task sits on your mind, it can get VERY heavy
Juliet used to pull all-nighters at university to finish essays and then when she was a copywriter, she realised she had to find a new way
she came up with a very structured way of tackling multiple copywriting projects
all-nighters were very adrenaline-fuelled
the structured process was very tightly controlled
nowadays Juliet has less on her mind around procrastination so it isn’t so excruciating
we spend a lot of energy trying to curate our lives to look presentable to others (as we imagine they want)
expectations always disappoint and can make you feel bad
expectations are also not very clear, you have to try and suss it out
agreements on the other hand are co-created and so much clearer
when we have expectations we often don’t account for the other person’s perspective, everyone is living in their separate reality
to make good agreements, you have to be clear and willing to involve the other person and be willing to change the agreement
expectations are not always voiced so you are asking someone else to be a mind reader
when you get into a conversation to make agreements, you may discover things you didn’t know or don’t like
murky expectations can also be part of why we procrastinate
when we’re lost in murky resentments everything is going to feel yuck
sometimes you start a project full of resentment but after half an hour you notice it’s gone. Our thoughts have shifted; we are absorbed in the endeavour
other times, we start a project and keep distracting ourselves, unwilling to stay with the task, the resentment hangs around like a bad smell
perfectionism can be a cause of procrastination
Carla has found that going for 80% perfect has been really helpful
separate realities is a great place to explore in more and more places and more and more depth
what if we met everyone’s experience with curiosity?
what if we met our procrastination with a bunch of curiosity, not judgment or shame?

Quotes and References

Kolbe Index
‘I love deadlines, I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by‘, Douglas Adams
Steve Chandler, Supercoach, audio Expectations versus agreements
‘Expectations are resentments under construction’ Anne Lamott

Thank you for listening. We’d love to hear your procrastination stories, so drop us a line. If you like this podcast, please rate, review and share it. It all helps spread the word, we appreciate it.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review!

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

Getting Vulnerable: Dazed and Confused

by Juliet Fay | Mar 23, 2021 | Podcast

Here’s what we explored:

when we feel embarrassed we can get dazed and confused because we feel out of control
when we feel very exposed our primitive brain can get triggered telling us we’re going to get kicked out of our tribe
even if others think we are vulnerable and share lots of deep things, in fact we may still be guarded and keeping tight control
we can be vulnerable on our own terms
the feeling of being ambushed can be intense and disorientating
the idea that someone has found a chink in the armour
the desire to control can be invisible to us
seeing the flight reaction in action can be startling
seeing how defended we are can be a shock
being very defended, excessively independent can be a trauma response
in being so defended, we miss out on so much of the good, the true and the beautiful in life
are we curating our life for others (consciously or unconsciously)?
we may curate ourselves as wise, rich and loving when there is also a messy side which we try to hide
sometimes we dress up judgement as curiosity and if we get caught out it can throw us into a spin because the danger signal gets triggered
we are all just human; we make mistakes, fall into judgement
we can end up hiding parts of ourselves
we can end up trying to stage-manage our lives
avoiding difficult situations can feel like a practical response
we can end up feeling some parts of ourselves are not allowed
noticing how low feelings can just come in even when we’re having a good day
but they can also go away again
when we are dazed and confused, it’s a great time to sit on the bank of ourselves and be compassionate
sometimes when our primitive brain is triggered, we can bring on our executive function and over-ride it. Other times we can’t.
when we don’t have to bring a bunch of meaning and judgement to it
if we can leave it be, it tends to dissipate quicker
we can question ‘what just happened?’, ‘why am I feeling like this?’
for Juliet when she gets reactive with ‘difficult’ people, the mind can go to all the things the other person has or hasn’t done
when we see that the reactivity is often not about the situation in front of us (unless there is real and present danger)
the mind can get scrambled when it can’t come up with a story
but this can be an opening
getting curious about vulnerability.
our identities and security don’t come from our possessions, success or our looks
when that illusion gets popped it can be devastating
when we’ve lost everything (or when we haven’t) we can live in fear of losing things
yet losing things and bouncing back is resilience
there’s a lot of freedom when we see through the illusion
sometimes when we bump up against our illusions it can be just a lovely letting go
other times it can be disorientating, like when a big chunk of the iceberg falls off
there are times we may need to be defended, like Carla’s dog Pedro, after the surgery
it’s appropriate to be compassionate with ourselves when we get triggered
disconnection from one another, from the earth and ultimately there is disconnection from our own spirit/souls
we miss out on the richness and variety of life possible if many people are going around defended against the harshness of the world
time to learn each others’ songs

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

Linkedin – Carla Royal

Instagram – CarlaRoyalCoach

Sign up to receive Carla’s weekly newsletter for inspiration, motivation, and tips for living with more ease and flow – Subscribe

CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

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How Good Can it Get

by Juliet Fay | Mar 16, 2021 | Podcast

Here’s what we explored:

we can let future worries steal current happiness
the other shoe IS going to drop and we can deal with that when it happens
Carla has noticed how her business is going really well even though she isn’t working really hard
we can feel uncomfortable with things going ‘too’ well
we may get used to a level of low-level anxiety, checking for potential danger
we may have a belief, success only comes from working really really hard
then when life is going well and it feels easy, one reaction is, ‘what’s wrong?’
Brene Brown talks about tamping down her excitement and joy at eg an invitation to speak in case it didn’t work out
she realised she was robbing herself of a ton of joy in the moment by not fully feeling
not wanting to look a fool if things don’t work out
how many other places are we denying ourselves appreciation and enjoyment of the good stuff?
when we decide something is a failure we can deny ourselves the joy we experienced along the way, eg when a relationship ends
it’s the journey not the destination
relationships end all the time, for all sorts of reasons
when we have a fixed idea of how things should go, we miss out on so much and create suffering
every relationship includes disappointment and joy, can we fully feel all of it?
we really have no idea how things ‘should be’ but we can get attached to our beliefs of how it should be
how could we possibly know ahead of time, all that is in store for us?
how good can it get when we take away some of our labels?
how good can it get when we calm our primitive brain that looks for danger?
it can feel unsafe to dwell on the good, the true, and the beautiful
but then we can often live in an experience of low or high-level threat
Carla helps clients to distinguish between where there is real danger and where there is not
we can look through the lens of our stories and construct a fearful future based on that which gives us the experience of constant threat
an example of someone who fears being burgled despite living in a relatively safe neighbourhood, in time, she was burgled – what can we see in that?
another example of a woman who had a lot of anxiety about visiting her mother who tended to criticise her. She expected to rake her over the coals because she’d put on weight
we can notice we are living this stressful story again and again in our imagination
we can notice how we might show up when we’ve been running this story over and over again: stressed, defended
Carla asked, can you drop the story and go with the most open heart possible?
what about people who go about defended because they’ve been attacked, are we saying they created their experience?
there’s a danger in making the victim the problem
recognising our thinking is generating the visceral response is massively helpful
you can notice this eg if you are afraid of flying, notice how you can experience all the anxiety of flying while sitting at your kitchen table, simply by thinking about it. That’s your imagination.
once you begin to see the power of the mind it opens up space
the next question is, ‘do I have to pay attention to these thoughts?’
for those who suffer trauma, the primitive brain response can be very powerful, the rational brain can seem to go offline – no time or space available.
if we can catch on to what’s going on when we are trauma triggered, it is helpful
it can give a little bit of space between the thinker and the response
we can recognise what might help at that moment eg stroking our pet, getting out in nature, talking to a friend
trying to use the rational mind to argue with a fearful, intense response is usually unhelpful
there is a deeper place, the bank of ourselves, looking towards that, helps find equilibrium
when we get eyes and ears for that space, we begin to appreciate it more and more
as we notice and appreciate the space more and more, the intensity and frequency of intense reactions can begin to lessen
as space opens up, a sense of choice about dropping our attention may become available
being a slow learner is a superpower because we learn things so well!
the mind is so powerful and our understanding of it can get more and more subtle
it is very difficult to see anything new in the middle of a trauma response because you are in a defended, fearful state.
on top of a strong fight, flight, freeze, faint mode we can add a whole bunch of scary thinking about the future: I’m broken, why am I like this, I’m never going to get over this, why can’t I get over this?
this type of thinking intensifies the stress response
if we explore the bank of ourselves when we are quieter we are more resourced and more likely to have insights into the nature of thought
the difference between pain and suffering
a trauma response can be the pain; the suffering comes with all the judgment we add on top of it when we analyze and make all kinds of meaning out of it – eg why haven’t I got over this?
as we recognise what’s happening, eg we are having a strong stress response, we get space to leave it alone, to heal (or dissolve)
like a wound, if we keep digging around in it, we will prevent the cut from naturally healing
we are made to handle life, keep looking in this direction

Quotes and References

Find Brene Brown on YouTube

Thank you for listening. We’d love to hear your questions or reflections so drop us a line. If you like this podcast, please rate, review and share it. It all helps spread the word, we appreciate it.

CONNECT WITH CARLA

Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

Website – CarlaRoyal.com

Facebook – Carla Royal Coach

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CONNECT WITH JULIET

Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life.

Website – Solcare

Instagram- Juliet Faye

Facebook – Solcare

CONNECT WITH US!

If you love The Riffing on Realness Podcast, rate the podcast and/or write us a review!

You can do that HERE ! Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you don’t miss out on new episodes dropping every week. And don’t forget to share it with your friends!

Thank you for listening and being a part of this community! It means a lot to us!

Finally, are there topics you’d like us to cover? Please let us know.

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Next Entries »

The Importance of Recalibration

Boundaries: The How and Why of Boundaries (without angst)

When Your Boat Sinks | Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

Procrastination: What Can We See with Fresh Eyes?

Getting Vulnerable: Dazed and Confused

How Good Can it Get

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